Catch the Wind: My Journey with Caroline

I take a deep breath and ask Caroline if she’d like to show me her papa’s fish camp before we go. Startled, Caroline brushes away a tear and says she doesn’t know if she wants to go there. She’d rather sit here instead.

So we settle onto the flat rock warmed by the sun. After a few moments, I ask what he’s like, and the stories spill out of Caroline. She describes sailing lessons with Papa, learning sailors’ knots, and winter skating trips. He even brought home her cat, Inkpot, and built her a sewing cabinet by hand.

I tell Caroline he sounds like someone worth missing, and that I hope to meet him myself someday. The thought seems to ease something in her. Remembering what she said when Lieutenant Woolsey wanted to chase the British, I ask if she’s ever truly frightened. She admits that she has been.

Caroline describes the day the British captured Papa along with their sloop. They shoved her into a small boat with an enemy officer while she pleaded not to go with the British. But Papa told her she had to stay brave and do as she was told. Looking back, she thinks she learned something that day. Sometimes you have to push through the hard thing even while you’re terrified. I tell her I understand completely, thinking of my own goodbye to Mom. Caroline hopes that when Papa finally comes home, someone will tell him she held herself steady.

Watching Caroline open up like this makes me want to give something back, so I admit that Mom serves in the navy, too. Caroline’s eyes widen, and she asks if that means Mom disguises herself as a man to do it. Her face brightens when I agree it’s close to that. Caroline says she’s heard stories about women doing exactly that but never quite believed them. Now she wants to meet Mom just to tell her how brave she is.

Shame creeps up my neck. I’ve never once said that to Mom myself. I promise Caroline I’ll tell Mom for her the first chance I get. She guesses gently that finding Mom is what brought me here, and I don’t deny it. She swears my secret is safe with her. I’ve made a real friend in 1812 in this short time, but it’s time to find my way home.

Here’s what I understand now: courage never meant feeling no fear. It means doing what has to be done despite fear. Mom is probably scared to head out to sea, and Dad, even though he hides it well, probably carries some fear, too. Once I’m home, I want to get better at doing the hard thing despite my fears, the way they do.